Quarter-Life Crisis with Multiple Sclerosis, Functional Depression and Going Through a Heartbreak. I'm Still Here!

I've made the SMart Choice before. I chose to design my lifestyle so that I will be able to accept, adapt and overcome what was handed to me. And so I wrote. For two years I had my own lifestyle design tool. I had the SMart Choice Lifestyle all laid in front of me. As a blog. As my life. And then it all came crushing down.Going through a quarter-life crisis with a new diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, evolving into functional depression and waking up right before going through heartbreak, after a five-year relationship. It woke me up. And it was painful. Scary. I felt alone, rejected, sick, left behind in life. Too old to make something of myself. Too old to care. Too old to keep going. At 32 years old.This is my story.

Depression Creeps In. Or You Slip Unowingly Into It

Nobody tells you how to recognize depression. Even just functional one. The one where you're not clinically diagnosed and medicated. Still, the one where you may very well land into. They don't paint a clear picture. Then you slip into it and slowly begin to think you're dead inside. You begin to believe your life is pointless, no matter how much it is given to you from the people around.You're in quicksand. I was in that quicksand, thinking that I had all the SMart Choices meant to set me free from the impact I never felt my Multiple Sclerosis left me within.I felt safe inside. I closed myself in. Inside my house. Inside my head. And inside my heart. All that I did was research and come up with lifestyle choices that would keep me safe. Or so I thought. They seemed to work.My body got stronger, felt leaner, happier and on top of it all.The bubble began to burst with the day I went in for my first Copaxone injection. The point of no return. The point of no... return. It felt alien. But that was actually a deep awareness-rising moment. I felt fear again. For the first time since the week of my diagnosis, I felt fear. And was aware.Very much aware. Very much afraid. Very angry. And feeling very... very alone. Very misunderstood. Heck! At that point, I didn't even understand myself!I wasn't at ease. Always searching, researching, designing, sharing, consuming content... almost never... living. Truly living! OK, all the advocacy brought me some of the most wonderful people, experiences and life lessons. But I was losing myself in the process.I was eating my emotions, closing myself in more and more while I fed on others' emotions and life experiences, because I was fearing to have my own. Multiple Sclerosis can stop you from moving. Physically. It stopped me from living. From feeling. My quarter-life crisis with Multiple Sclerosis. Yay!It took me four years to become aware that the root of it all was that I did not trust my body anymore, adding to self-esteem issues. Adding to fear, anger and anxiety. Growing depression.Functional depression. The one where you're acting alive and well, but you're dying inside.Those stages when it all seems fine on the outside, but your inside is hollow, filled with bottled-up fear.Those days when people see you as lazy, aloof and not caring about them. In those moments you don't even care for yourself. You are not self-aware, but in reaction-mode.The Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis hit so violently that I couldn't see its edges. I thought I was on top of it, when in fact it was on top of me. It sat there for two whole years. Until I become restless. Bottled-up pressure needed to vent.And it did. My terrible Mr. Hyde came back to haunt me. The fear that I thought I had smashed through researching my diagnosis and all in between. All of that work. And Hyde was back. I thought all was long gone, but what did I know?It was hiding under the blankets I had put above it to feel safe. It festered on my fear, anger and vulnerability. It fed on the endless discussions I began to have with others. My brain had me literally black-out and clench my jaw from all the chronic stress.All that fear wanted out. It fed with the anger I got from people around me. I sensed it. Reacted to it. My anger mirrored theirs. Conflicts grew bigger. Scarrier.

Enter Heartbreak

And then, in November 2017, the mirror broke. Leaving me alone in a pit with Mr. Hyde. It all went dark for some time. Got trapped inside my head, thoughts rambling, overanalyzing, accusing, hurting. Wanting to rip-out feelings from my heart. It hurt. Ever ripped-off a band aid? THAT kind of hurt! Too painful to let go of.The mind is a very smart tool. It keeps you clear while in emotional shock, so you can get passed the blow. This time I knew better! No more blankets! Just pouring out from where it hurt.This is what I wrote the morning after the breakup, on the 6th of November, 2017. This is the first time I publish this. Only two pair of eyes truly understand this. But here goes! The greatest lesson I took from 2017? Fear is the place where love goes to die, holding Ego's hand tightly.

"Gifting myself to others.As my body gradually accepted to fall asleep this morning at 5 am, something inside told me I am OK. Shock and loss are never going to look or feel nice, but at the end of the day, the Sun shines bright the day after anyway. So I might trust God and move onwards.It's even strange to become aware that I have silence and peace. Only my body gives coming and going signals of the emotional aftermath. But I know I'm going to be fine. Life has put me in difficult situations before. And each time life prevailed.I am happy that I welcomed love inside my heart. That I welcomed an almost shy soul into my life five years ago. I am happy that I found a true friend in that soul. And that I had the chance to contribute even in the very least to its new wings. I gave it hope, confidence, trust in life, the will to get ahead of itself... and it really was a good student. We're two nerds, by the way!The funny fact is that he was TOO good of a student and he wanted more and more, until I wasn't enough. Until its patience didn't wait for me. The soul wanted more for itself, it outgrew its shell. And that's great!People need to become their best versions. What the rushed soul needs to remember is that life is not ideal, that things happen in cycles, and we each have a conscience. I know I was weak, drowned in my own demons and sorrows, almost rejecting the world completely, while I was making sense of who I am. And I want to thank the rushed soul for being there for me, for still being my friend after all the anger and hurt. I wish the rushed soul joy, happiness and success. I am here to help it with what I can. I pray for him to be alright each night. I am not hating, just sorry that it couldn't find the trust and confidence in me, in us, in him anymore. I know love is endless, and the only thing that can't be turned back is death. I also know that our own mortality scares people and makes them rush, and too busy to forgive, too busy to try again, too vulnerable in our egos.We live, we learn, but the one thing that really hurts people after a while is regret.I keep the hope that both souls can be happy and take a breather and not feel so rushed. It's just life! Where are you rushing, gasping for fresh air? Real connection is so scarce nowadays, someone who forgives all and looks beyond your faults is so rare and precious.But some people choose themselves, thinking they can save their souls from misery. But what life is that regretting that you have someone who really sees beneath your fears and loves you for who you are when no one else is watching? Now YOU tell me... 😉"

Trust Love. It Never Falls

And then, slowly but surely, I began seeing the true answer! Love is never meant to be ripped off! It simply is and we are its vessels. I couldn't rip love out because it wasn't mine to tear out. And then I embraced it all. I accepted loving both my internal Mr. Hyde and the rushed soul who left because of his own fear and quarter-life crisis.Because, you see... fear will be fear and do what it knows best. Scare us! But I found my peace. I now understand that love shines brighter than any scars. The love of people heals the world. It surely healed me! 🖤 And it will do the same for you. Just let it in through your broken pieces. It already knows what to do. Love never falls. It never fails! 😉🤗Until the next post... let love in! ✨Denisa